Day #1- I'm scared, I'm ready, I don't want to fail.

Day #1

This is my blog on my weight loss progress. These are my honest and open thoughts on the process, so please keep this in mind. 

I've always been a bigger girl. Even when I was a child. I never weighed what society would deem appropriate. I have suffered from an eating problem since I was very young. Food became my go to comfort. My escape.  If I was sad, I would eat. If I had a bad day, I would eat. When I was younger, I ate a lot and during that time I lived with my father who was never happy with my size. He had the perfect solution in his mind to fix "my problem". Lock the food cabinets and only allow me to eat what he saw fit, when he saw fit. My reaction? One day, hungry, and wanting food I attempted to force open the locked cabinet and tried to pry a bag of chips out. Not my finest moment. 

Ever since then, my issues with food have grown dramatically. I've tried dieting and it failed. I can't commit. I've tried weight loss injections, and that worked for a hot second and then failed. Once again, I was going through a hard time and turned to food for comfort. Most recently (may 2011), I decided to get the lapband. It was supposed to help me eat less. It was supposed to help me loose weight. All it did was cause problems. It worked for a while, I dropped 50lbs and 5% body fat. And then it quit working as well. The adjustments were pure hell. They would always bruise me but they werent making my intake less. Since December, I have gained every pound back. And here I sit at a disgusting 255lbs and I am wondering how the fuck I let it get this bad? I wanna be fit. I wanna be healthy. But I have this sick desire to eat things I shouldnt, and not just eat a little bit of it, I overstuff myself. Not to mention, post lapband--- I can no longer eat any vegetables or fruits, because they all upset my stomach. 

I hate feeling fat. I hate feeling undesirable. I hate being the heaviest of all of my friends. I want to be able to wear cute clothes without looking like a cow. I want to change. Correction: I NEED to change. I graduate this June and I have a goal in mind. I'm determined to reach it by then. I'll be a teacher before I know it. At my current size, it will make that task harder. I want to be the best teacher possible. A change needs to occur. I need to be active, be healthier, be happy, be more organized, be more proactive, be a better person. This will happen. It has to. 

Well I hope all of you enjoyed my first blog. It's very open and honest. Things I have never really said outloud. But this is my place to think freely. I will be updating as much as possible. Hopefully everyday if possible. Stayed tuned for updates.