Resuming workouts after being lazy for a year is a bitch

Day #2

So last night I went to bed at a decent hour for me. But of course I tossed and turned most of the night, unable to sleep. I was both anxious and scared for today. Looking forward to the start of my journey and dreading it all at once. I didn't know what to expect when I entered the gym at school for the first time in over a year. I have a torn rotator cuff that loves to act up all the time and give me hell. But I also know the only way to continue to improve the mobility of my shoulder is to actually use it. 

I signed my waiver and my membership papers and I even rented a locker for the quarter. So no quitting now or there goes $30 for nothing. I was amazed how awesome the gym was. I have never been in it before, but I have always heard great things about it. I went to the locker room and found my newly appointed locker, placed my stuff inside and then it was time to begin. 

As I walked over and saw all of the machines, my fear began to set in. Would I actually be able to do this? It's been over a year since I have lifted a single weight, or ran on a treadmill or a bike. Part of me wanted to breakdown and cry right then and there. The other part of me said run for the damn hills. But I didn't. I took a deep breath. In and out. I said to myself, you can't give up before you even begin. You can't quit. not now. not ever. Now isn't the time to take ten steps forward and then fifty steps back. Now is the time to reclaim your life. For the better. 

I walked over to the weight machines and started on my arms. I did 5 sets of 10 on the machine where I pull the weights down towards my legs. I then moved to the machine where you pull the weights and move your arms towards your chest and did another 5 sets of 10. This isn't so bad I told myself. Lastly, I went to the machine where you sit and pull the resistance towards you while lifting weights. I kept the amount I was lifting between 35-50. I didn't want to over do it. When I finished with that, it was time to  head on over to my worse fear. Those damn treadmills. I knew this would require a ton of walking and running and sweating and my body was already rejecting the idea before I even began. I took it steady for a moment, before beginning to jog. I find it help to run/jog at 4.0 and walk at 2.0 For today, I only did a 1/2 mile but I did it in 9 minutes!!!!! Which is fantastic for me considering the last time I could do that I was 50lbs lighter. I could run/jog for about 60-90 seconds before needing a break. So I would alternate between that and walking. I then braved the bicycle machines. They have these really cool interactive ones!!! I was on this track watching myself bike and I had to use the bars next to me to steer. Let me tell you how damn difficult that shit is. very. I did a mile on there. And then decided to work on some leg stuff for my last bit of exercise for the day. I went over to the machine where you push with your legs to move the weights. I did 5 sets of 10 on there and decided to call it a day.

A one hour workout isn't a bad start for my first time. Leaving the gym I felt exhausted, tired, and ready for a nap. But alas, it's now almost class time!! Instead of feeling like quitting, I feel like doing more. for once. I am doing this FOR ME. no one else. I can already tell this time will be different, I will succeed. 

Goal #1 is 15lbs by Oct 15th. Let's see if I can do this!!!

I hope everyone is enjoying my blog, and if youre in the same boat I am feel free to reach out! Have a great day everyone----until tomorrow!!! :)))

Day #1- I'm scared, I'm ready, I don't want to fail.

Day #1

This is my blog on my weight loss progress. These are my honest and open thoughts on the process, so please keep this in mind. 

I've always been a bigger girl. Even when I was a child. I never weighed what society would deem appropriate. I have suffered from an eating problem since I was very young. Food became my go to comfort. My escape.  If I was sad, I would eat. If I had a bad day, I would eat. When I was younger, I ate a lot and during that time I lived with my father who was never happy with my size. He had the perfect solution in his mind to fix "my problem". Lock the food cabinets and only allow me to eat what he saw fit, when he saw fit. My reaction? One day, hungry, and wanting food I attempted to force open the locked cabinet and tried to pry a bag of chips out. Not my finest moment. 

Ever since then, my issues with food have grown dramatically. I've tried dieting and it failed. I can't commit. I've tried weight loss injections, and that worked for a hot second and then failed. Once again, I was going through a hard time and turned to food for comfort. Most recently (may 2011), I decided to get the lapband. It was supposed to help me eat less. It was supposed to help me loose weight. All it did was cause problems. It worked for a while, I dropped 50lbs and 5% body fat. And then it quit working as well. The adjustments were pure hell. They would always bruise me but they werent making my intake less. Since December, I have gained every pound back. And here I sit at a disgusting 255lbs and I am wondering how the fuck I let it get this bad? I wanna be fit. I wanna be healthy. But I have this sick desire to eat things I shouldnt, and not just eat a little bit of it, I overstuff myself. Not to mention, post lapband--- I can no longer eat any vegetables or fruits, because they all upset my stomach. 

I hate feeling fat. I hate feeling undesirable. I hate being the heaviest of all of my friends. I want to be able to wear cute clothes without looking like a cow. I want to change. Correction: I NEED to change. I graduate this June and I have a goal in mind. I'm determined to reach it by then. I'll be a teacher before I know it. At my current size, it will make that task harder. I want to be the best teacher possible. A change needs to occur. I need to be active, be healthier, be happy, be more organized, be more proactive, be a better person. This will happen. It has to. 

Well I hope all of you enjoyed my first blog. It's very open and honest. Things I have never really said outloud. But this is my place to think freely. I will be updating as much as possible. Hopefully everyday if possible. Stayed tuned for updates.